


Tea for Two (Plus Two) aka Aunt P. Takes the Biscuit

by 221A_brina



Series: Ventriloquism Tango [2]
Category: Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries
Genre: Armmmms, Aunt P's house, Besides – it's not Phrack, Can I watch her for an hour or so?, Carpet diem?, D is for Deaded, Did you see that shirtless pic of NP?, GASP! Whenever was smut NOT the point?!, Gen, I'm sure she'll be even more hilarious, It still fits, Just giving OllyJay ideas, Just sounds different, Lacivious Lover, Make mine a double, No follow through, No tea for Phryne, Nosh and a kip, Oh Guy!, Oh yeah - posting this fic, OllyJay would do it MUCH better anyways, On a Magic Carpet Ride, Or Guy - Freeform, Proposed smut, Putting words in their mouths, Rolls off the tongue, Shag… carpet, Someone else said it first, Speaking of tongues..., Tea Party, Tea sipping intensifies, That wasn't the point, The after-party effect, This distraction has been brought to you by the letter V, V is for voracious voluptuous and va-va-va-voom, Wait – Where was I?, We now take you back to your regularly scheduled fic reading, What was I doing?, Whiskey of course, Why don't you come with me (little) girl, Yeah… that's it, You are what you eat?, and food, hnngh, wink wink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-15 00:20:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13019295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/221A_brina/pseuds/221A_brina
Summary: After all the ruckus of “Murder in the Dark” and “King Memses' Curse,” Aunt Prudence invites Phryne and Jane over for a quiet family tea.





	Tea for Two (Plus Two) aka Aunt P. Takes the Biscuit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Eara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eara/gifts).



> For my Secret Santa Eara, one of our newest victims (I mean recruits, I mean members) & writers. Since she's newly minted, I wasn't quite sure what she might like, and figured I'd subject her to a dose of my insanity. I hope you like it, Eara. 
> 
> _______
> 
> I initially had another idea in mind for my Secret Santa gift (a research project), but this idea wouldn't leave me alone. 
> 
> You know how certain lines of dialog in various TV shows or movies stick out – lines that you love & strike a chord with you? And sometimes you think they might fit quite nicely into your other (main?) favorite fandom? Kinda like a mash up, (Mad Libs, perhaps?) but not really? No? Well… my brain takes these trips on occasion & this time, I actually followed through & wrote the damn thing(s) instead of just paging through notebooks of funny/cool/interesting quotes. (Yes, it will be a series, since the menu selection is varied.) 
> 
> Many of these quotes screamed to be about certain characters. I hope it will become evident in reading. In order not to pre-color your view of the MFMM fic, the lifted dialog w/references will be in the end notes, so as not to confuse you. Kinda like “The Sixth Sense” – a multi-leveled story. (Who am I kidding… I just want you to read it more than once. No, seriously… I just wanted to have some fun & share it with you. To put a different spin on dialog you may already know and love. Besides… It's not plagiarism if you cite your source.) 
> 
> I hope I haven’t left you confounded and confuddled, and hope I have, perhaps, exposed you to a film or show you weren't familiar with or re-exposed you to a favorite you hadn't watched in ages & broadened your horizons. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy. (**This product not warranted. Issuer states that money back guarantee is invalid as no money has changed hands.**) 
> 
> These events take place within the events of S1E12 - “Murder in the Dark”/S1E13 - “King Memses' Curse” after Mr. Butler's infamous fudge incident, the night of the treasure hunt and Phryne's birthday party.

**Ventriloquism Tango Vol. 1**

 

**Tea for T** **wo** **(Plus** **T** **wo** **)** **aka Aunt P** **.** **Takes the Biscuit**

 

The flurry of events of the past month had taken their toll on The Honorable Miss Phryne Fisher, her family, and close friends. The discovery of Murdoch Foyle's escape from prison, his most recent killing spree, the recovery of Janey Fisher's remains, and Foyle's reimprisonment had stretched every nerve and emotion of everyone involved, exacting a heavy toll in its wake.  

Even Guy and Isabella's engagement party, an event normally the cause for great joy and celebration, had been marred by murder. Jane and Inspector Robinson's kidnapping, the revelation that Phryne was actually Foyle's intended fourth Goddess, and her willingness to sacrifice herself in order to finally learn the truth of her sister's disappearance, had been yet more tinder on the raging flames of horror and heartache that made a wide swath through their lives. Unrest, unease and sorrow had been unwelcome companions to all. 

In light of the previous events, Prudence Stanley felt duty-bound to try to rectify the situation by attempting to return things to 'normal' - whatever that was. As a well-placed society matron, a veritable fixture in the Melbourne scene, she was quite accustomed to, and well versed in, arranging gatherings and events despite whatever else may be transpiring in one's life. One must soldier on, stand fast and buck up, else life could beat one down, leaving one in tatters. 

In order to discomfit the seemingly impending malaise, she took it upon herself to invite her niece and her ward over for tea in hopes of creating a bright spot amidst an otherwise bleak stretch of events. 

With the resignation of Mrs. Truebody (she still could not pry the answer why out of her former housekeeper), Phryne's maid ( _Companion,_ she corrected herself) Dorothy had suggested Lydia Andrews' former maid, Alice Hartley ( _erm_ _... no that wasn't right_ – hadn't she heard that the girl had married one of those ex-warfie rabble-rousers Phryne employed?) for the position in the meantime. They were currently working on setting the house back to its usual state prior to the engagement party gala.   

Prudence, Phryne and Jane were currently chatting away in the parlor enjoying a selection of finger sandwiches, fruits, cheeses, and a variety of sweets and biscuits. Their current topic of discussion – school. 

"Ugh." Phryne huffed. "And, mother thought it might 'civilize' me by sending me to finishing school. Teach me deportment and etiquette, polish my social graces." She absentmindedly swirled the amber liquid in the crystal tumbler in her hand, gritting her teeth all the while. Pausing momentarily, she gazed off into the distance before rolling her eyes and downing the last of her whiskey. 

Jane grinned, blinked, and tried to hide a giggle behind the bone china teacup she delicately brought to her lips. In the next chair, Prudence Stanley made a disapproving pucker with her lips and scrunched up her face as she set her teacup on its saucer. Jane followed suit, delicately placing hers on the side table and scooted slightly forward in her chair, lacing fingers together, and gently settling her hands in her lap.  

"So, then, Miss Phryne, how exactly would you define 'finishing school'?" she asked of her guardian. 

"Wellll..." Miss Fisher breathed out a lengthy exhale, depositing her tumbler on the marble table. In a flounce of fabric, her elegant limbs ascended from the chair. She angled towards the sideboard to retrieve the crystal decanter needed to refill her glaringly empty glass; a hand swished and twisted as she began her explanation. "It's sort of a farm where they grow wives and mothers. Where young women are sent to be finished," she genteelly snorted at her own joke, memories taking her back to her 'formative years' on the continent. 

Aunt Prudence finished the last morsel on her plate and a final swallow of tea before adding, "Ah, yes... and if I recall, the school's motto was, 'Home, Harmony, Humility." 

"Hogwash!" Phryne blurted, this time a contagiously full laugh erupted, sending Jane into a fit of the giggles, and (shockingly enough), making a crack in the serious demeanor that was the face of Prudence Stanley. 

"Really, Phryne. You make it sound as if learning comportment, charm, and social graces was unheard of. After all, my dear, these institutions have been put in place to prepare young ladies for entry into society." Froideur resumed its place over her visage once again, while disapproval danced on the edges of her lips. 

Jane was entranced watching the two women; personalities clashing, a charge bouncing between them. 

Phryne contemplated momentarily, a twinkle forming in her eyes, adding, "I did learn charms there. That definitely was one skill I seemed to have an aptitude for and managed to hone. After all, I am rather charming, wouldn't you agree?" She shrugged a shoulder and managed a sly wink in Jane's direction, unbeknownst to her aunt. Jane acknowledged by squeezing her eyes shut and grinning. 

"Really, Aunt P... those 'institutions' as you call them have a very narrow set of goals for those poor girls incarcerated within their walls. To take in young girls and churn out wife and mother material? To create and train a proper society wife, a social climber, who's only goal is to acquire a husband? Ugh." Miss Fisher slammed back the finger of whiskey and poured one more for good measure. 

Phryne ambled back towards her chair, nabbing a sweet from the serving platter and nibbling on the way. "I have little patience for the vagaries of politics and social climbing. That's always been more your field of endeavor, hasn't it, Aunt P.?" She gracefully flumped into the chair with a swish of crossing legs. 

Prudence squirmed slightly in her chair before reaching for the teapot, offering a refill to her niece's ward. 

"Yes, thank you, Aunt Prudence," the young girl proffered her cup towards the teapot. 

After Prudence refilled her own cup, her eldest son wafted in. Guy Stanley reached over her to sneak a finger sandwich off the tray. "I was rather peckish, Mother, thank you." He leaned down, landing a kiss in his mother's snow dusted steely curls. 

"Guy, dear, there you are." She said looking up at her son, her hand reaching up to pat his cheek. He ambled over towards his cousin, tugging on Jane's braids along the way. 

He continued his greeting, this time air kissing Phryne's cheeks. "Cousin! How's the detecting business, treating you? No new catastrophes in the last day or two, I hope?" He sidled up to the crystal decanter pouring several finger's worth of whiskey, downed it and refilled it again.  

Phryne's eyes tracked her cousin's movements, staring at him as he settled into a chair. An incredulous look broke out on her face. "Guy, darling..." she began, squinting in an attempt to keep a straight face, "you appear to have something on your lip." She waggled a finger in his direction, and took a swallow of whiskey. "It looks like a caterpillar."  

"I think it makes him look distinguished," Guy's proud mother responded as she nested in her chair, sitting up slightly straighter. 

"He is distinguished, Aunt P. That thing makes him look seedy!" Phryne said, leaving no doubt how she felt about it, eliciting a snigger from her ward. 

Guy stroked his full mustache with forefinger and thumb, trailing around his lips to finally rest on his chin in a contemplative manner. "Mon petit inamorata has been trying to decide whether she liked it or not." He smirked as he stroked it again, thumb landing at the corner of his lips. "I think I'll just give it to her, then." He grinned, peeling off the mustache and fluttering it in his hand as he popped up from his chair. "...And the mustache as well." He chuckled to himself. 

"Guy! Do mind your manners. There's a young lady present!" His mother burst out, shocked, hand clasped to the pearl brooch at her neck.  

"Think I'll nip into the pantry for a bit of fudge on my way upstairs." He winked at Phryne, and snagged the last finger sandwich. He washed it down with the remnants of his whiskey, then set his glass on the tray. "Toodles mother. Phrynikins. Lady Jane." He bowed to each, bringing one hand forward in front to take each of them by the hand and briefly kiss their knuckles. "Isabella will be wondering where I got off to. Must'nt keep her waiting."  

"Miss Phryne..." Jane hesitated. 

"Yes, Jane?"  

"Are there anymore sandwiches? And maybe a few more biscuits?" She ducked her head whilst asking, a small smile edging her lips. 

"Of course! Why don't I follow Guy here to the kitchen, and rustle up a bit more nosh, eh?" She polished off the last sweet, picked up the empty tray and looped her arm through her cousin's with a smile and a saucy wink. 

 

* * *

 

Minutes later, Phryne was replenishing the serving tray with an assortment of goodies from the table, while Guy went in search of his 'special fudge.' 

"Phryne, darling? Do you know where your man secured the fudge tin?" He queried as he poked his head out of the pantry. 

"It should be on the shelf in there." She looked up, brows wrinkling. "You're sure it's not in..." Her heart stopped, and she froze mid-sentence, her eyes landing on the side table... "Oh, dear..." A quick inhale through her teeth broke the silence. "Guy, darrr-liiing?" She asked hesitantly, reaching for the tin sitting next to the plate of grapes. 

"Any luck, Phrynikins?" Guy extricated himself from the pantry, sauntering out, a tin in hand. "I found this, but it's the 'booring' fudge." 

"Is this it?" She cringed, hoping it wasn't. Once again, her brows folded inwards.  

"Ahh... you found it! Thanks ever so, cousin," he chirped as he reached for the tin in her hands. He pried it open, reached in and grabbed a square, biting off half the cube. "Hmm..." He pondered as he popped the remaining piece in his mouth. "I didn't think we went through that much the other night. Ah, well. We'll make do." Guy slid the lid back down, patted it then tucked it under his arm. 

"I'd best get back and save Jane from your mother's proselytizing, though I'm sure she can hold her own." Phryne chuckled, picking up the refilled tray to head back to the tea party. 

"She can be quite the blowhard," Guy chimed in. "Sometimes I just let her blather on until my eyes glaze over. She eventually gets the hint." He reached into his waistcoat pocket, retrieved his mustache, and pressed it back on. "Must dash. I promised Isabella ride on this lovely." He stroked his mustache once again, grinning salaciously. "Or, perhaps... she might be convinced to take me for one."  

"Guy Stanley, you are utterly incorrigible with no possibility of redemption," she gasped. 

He laughed heartily. "I sincerely hope so. Ta cousin." He winked, puckered a kiss in her direction, and disappeared in search of his fiancée. 

Phryne shook her head, popped a grape in her mouth, grabbed the tray, and scurried back to the parlor.  

 

* * *

 

Upon her return, she noticed her aunt and ward were in, what looked like, an uncharacteristic and intense conversation. Prudence had moved her chair closer to Jane's, the arms almost touching. She was leaning towards her chair's companion and gesticulating in a slightly boneless manner. Her words seemed to be tumbling out in a somewhat erratic manner, without their usual propriety and pomposity.  

Phryne quietly set down the food tray and stealthily inserted herself into her chair, trying not to draw the attention of her aunt in order to better observe this unusual play of events. Jane quickly flicked her eyes in Phryne's direction in acknowledgment, then returned to Prudence. The disbelief on her face only just masked by intense concentration. 

Prudence continued, "There's something I need to say. It's hard for me, you know." She looked down at her lap, hands stroking the fabric of her dress. "It's not easy being a cast iron bitch." She pouted and squinted, the effect not unlike a dried apple doll's face. "Takes discipline and years of training. A lot of people don't appreciate that." 

"Aunt P!" Phryne exclaimed. 

"Ah, Phryne dear! You've returned! And with more lovely comestibles, I see." She uncharacteristically reached over toward the tray, grabbing an assortment of items and plopping them haphazardly on her plate, decorum decidedly abandoning her mien. "I've already had a bit, but find that I seem to have a strong hankering for more sweets. Is there any more of that delicious fudge?" 

"Aunt Prudence! Tell me you did not eat any of Guy's fudge." She demanded, her mouth agape, humor dancing in her eyes. 

For probably one of the few times in her life, Prudence Stanley's entire body (well... mostly her shoulders and head) shuddered in pantomimed revulsion, her face unequivocally reflecting her distaste. "I did have two pieces, but they weren't Guy's fudge, as I am absolutely certain there were no figs in them. They were quite tasty, actually. A bit unusual, but rather enjoyable." She began to exhibit an almost silly and wobbly smile. 

At this revelation, Jane slapped her hand to her mouth, unable to control the burst of giggles that threatened to explode into full-fledged belly laughs. 

Phryne stood, arms akimbo, her body shaking, unable to refrain from laughing. “Jane, I think you better fetch Cec and Bert right away. We're going to need help getting Aunt P. to her room for a bit of a lie down.” 

“Yes, Miss,”replied Jane, grinning from ear to ear, and she was gone. 

“Lie down? I'm perfectly fiiiine my dear! Just a mite peckish. And what's this about Guy's fudge? I assure you, there was nothing of the kind on the plater… pitter…” Her eyes scrunched, diligently searching for the right word. She looked up, snapped her fingers and proclaimed, “Platter!” A self-satisfied look of accomplishment washing over her face. Her smile rounding the apple of her cheeks. 

Before Phryne could respond, the aforementioned gentlemen appeared in the doorway. “Ah, Cec, Bert… if you would do me a little favor?” 

Bert’s eyebrow launched skyward, and Cec worriedly looked towards his compatriot.  

“If you would be so kind as to escort my aunt to her room, she is in desperate need of a kip. It seems she inadvertently got her hands on some of Guy's fudge,” her laugh finally escaped with her last words. 

“Ho, ho, ho!!!” Bert boisterously exclaimed, before he steadied his features… all but the face splitting grin, which refused to disappear. 

Cec grinned, laughing softly, eyes wide.

“And Jane, if you would, please make sure she's tucked in and stay with her until I join you?” Her eyes rolled in disbelieving hilarity. “I need to have an immediate tête-à-tête with my cousin.” 

“Of course, Miss Phryne,” she agreed, and they were off, all the while Aunt Prudence asking about figs, telling the men to bring her more nosh, and while they were at it, fetch the sherry. Just as they were almost out of earshot, Phryne heard a light smacking of skin on skin (no doubt Aunt P’s hand to someone's cheek as was a habit of hers), and her Aunt speaking in a very loud and overly obvious stage whisper, “I never realized you were such a gentleman, Albert. Maybe you're not so bad after all.” 

Cec snorted as Bert replied, “I promise I won't hold you to it, Mrs. S."

Phryne chuckled, downed the last of her whiskey and went in search of her reprobate of a cousin. 

**Author's Note:**

> Below are the original quotes that were used to inspire this fic, who said them, & any other pertinent info. 
> 
>  
> 
> The Mrs. Bradley Mysteries (TV series)  
> [Diana Rigg as Adela Bradley, Neil Dudgeon as George Moody – Adela's chauffer, Tyler Butterworth as Ferdinand Bradley - Adela's son/stepson - wasn't made entirely clear which, Emma Davies as Hermione Bradley – Ferdinand's wife.] 
> 
> 1 – Episode: "A Death at the Opera"  
> George: How exactly would you define 'finishing school,' ma'am?  
> Mrs. Bradley: It's sort of a farm where they grow wives and mothers. Where young women are sent to be finished. 
> 
> 2 – Episode: "A Death at the Opera"  
> Adela's Finishing School's motto was: Home, Harmony, Humility. (George reads those words from a plaque on the wall at the school, to which Adela replies: "Hogwash.") 
> 
> 3 – Episode: "Speedy Death"  
> Mrs. Bradley: Ferdinand, you appear to have something on your lip. It looks like a caterpillar.  
> Hermione: I think it makes him look distinguished.  
> Mrs. Bradley: He is distinguished. That thing makes him look seedy. 
> 
>  
> 
> Babylon 5 – Episode: "Soul Mates" (TV series)  
> [Jane Carr as Timov – one of Centauri Ambassador Londo Mollari's 3 wives. Daggair is one of his other wives.] (And yes, it was intended that her name backwards is 'vomit.') 
> 
> Timov to Londo: I have little patience for the vagaries of politics and social climbing. That's always been more Daggair's field of endeavor, hasn't it, Daggair? 
> 
>  
> 
> The Abyss (Film)  
> [Ed Harris as Virgil 'Bud' Brigman, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio as Lindsey Brigman, his wife. They are/had been separated for a while.] 
> 
> Lindsey to Bud: There's something I need to say. It's hard for me, you know. It's not easy being a cast iron bitch. Takes discipline and years of training. A lot of people don't appreciate that.


End file.
